“Music was my refuge. I might crawl into the house between the notes and curl my again to loneliness.” ~Maya Angelou
I used to imagine that therapeutic and private transformation required numerous effort—writing web page after web page in a journal or getting up on the first light to hold out a morning routine, to call a pair.
Once I moved by means of a part of numbness—or the tunnel of darkness, as I now name it—it was horrifying, and there appeared to be no finish in sight. However one track discovered me on the proper second and adjusted all the pieces.
In underneath 5 minutes, it achieved what all of the instruments and data I had couldn’t: it made me really feel one thing.
That second jogged my memory that therapeutic and shifting ahead don’t all the time want rituals or phrases—generally, all it takes is the suitable sound on the proper time.
Earlier than that second of awakening, my life felt like a loop. Day in and time out, all the pieces was the identical. My being was on mute—nothing resonated, and I walked by means of life hole, flat, and disengaged.
Every day felt just like the one earlier than. I used to be disconnected however longing to really feel one thing. I put stress on myself to repair no matter this was. And when it didn’t work, I pushed more durable and more durable.
I attempted all of the issues I had realized through the years: deep respiration, meditation that solely amplified the noise in my head, journaling till my hand ached, lighting salt candles, and nonetheless, I couldn’t appear to attach with myself.
There was solely stillness, however it didn’t really feel peaceable. It felt unusual and disorienting—a form of stuckness. A way of being that portrayed me not as an individual anymore, however only a physique shifting by means of the motions.
But nothing modified. Not one of the data I had made a distinction. The tunnel appeared to collapse on me, leaving me feeling like I used to be nothing—like I’d by no means get wherever once more.
Then, in the future, I pressed play on “Wild Flower” by RM of BTS. I can’t bear in mind precisely how I discovered it, however I do bear in mind being alone, simply making an attempt to de-stress.
It was a type of moments the place you click on on one thing with out actually realizing why—only a quiet, inside nudge. BTS had come into my life just a few months earlier, and I used to be most drawn to RM. That day, one thing in me—the half that also carried hope—requested me to click on on this track, this video. And inside seconds, all the pieces shifted.
Right away, my physique stopped and took discover. From the opening that hit me like a firework to the primary notes and spoken phrases (in Korean, which I didn’t perceive), I felt one thing once more. I couldn’t imagine it.
I went from numbness—from nothing—to goosebumps, tears streaming down my face, and pressure leaving my physique.
The emotion in RM’s voice, the refrain sung by Youjeen, and the sound of the music itself—it was the reminder I wanted that I used to be nonetheless alive. Nonetheless right here.
That track grew to become the catalyst for me to open up, to really feel once more, and to comprehend there was a method out—a method again to myself.
At first, I didn’t perceive the lyrics, and I didn’t even attempt, as a result of it didn’t matter. What mattered was the rawness within the supply, his voice stuffed with emotion that anybody might perceive. The longing, the ache, the discharge—all of it was sufficient.
Later, after I appeared up the phrases, it solely deepened the which means. Sentences like “When your individual coronary heart underestimates you” and “Grounded by myself two ft” felt like direct messages to my soul. Like somebody lastly noticed me—not for who I used to be pretending to be, however who I used to be beneath all the hassle.
In that second, I noticed I didn’t have to do extra. It was about opening up just a bit extra and receiving what this track was giving me.
I didn’t have to journal, dive deeper into private growth, repair myself, or hustle. That second jogged my memory: simply being with the music was sufficient.
Whereas journaling provides me perception into myself and my life, music provides me the emotion I have to really feel to be able to begin therapeutic.
After which a quiet query rose up in me: “What if therapeutic doesn’t need to be earned or hustled for?”
What if we don’t have to always work on ourselves to be okay? What if some components of therapeutic are literally about stopping, softening, and letting one thing greater maintain us, even only for a second?
That one track grew to become that second for me. It cracked one thing open. And as soon as it did, I didn’t collapse. I started to come back alive once more, slowly, quietly, however absolutely.
I nonetheless love journaling—it’s a constant a part of my life—however now I do know that therapeutic can start in silence, in sound, and in give up.
Since then, I’ve had many different moments the place music grew to become the medication I didn’t know I wanted.
Generally it’s a mild white noise—a crackling fireplace combined with rain. Different instances, it’s a beat that makes me transfer, cry, or sing.
However “Wild Flower” was the start, the track that jogged my memory feeling is feasible once more. That numbness isn’t everlasting. And that generally, we don’t have to seek for the suitable phrases. We simply have to pay attention.
I encourage you to note what songs discover you and the way they make you are feeling. As a result of possibly at this time, your therapeutic begins with listening.
About Birgit Livesey
Birgit Livesey is an introverted music mindfulness information who helps quiet souls to find their method again to themselves by means of music. She is aware of how heavy life can really feel whenever you’re emotionally exhausted or caught—and the way the suitable track, on the proper second, might be the softest method again residence. You’ll be able to discover her trustworthy reflections and mild choices right here.